Book Review

[Bryden]

The Book of Lost Things
By John Connolly

The book is set in London, at the outset of WWII. (I know, I know, so does every other "classic" book, but trust me! It's different!) Our protagonist, a 12-year-old boy by the name of David, has just lost his mother to an unspecified, slow-spreading illness.
His father remarries shortly after, and packs David off to live with him and the step-mother at her house in the countryside (air raids, you know; safer outside the city).
To pass the time, David reads. Reads and imagines the stories coming real. Trouble is, an active imagination is not a good thing when combined with epilepsy.
After an episode, David is swept off to a world of dark fantasy. Where his stories take on a twisted life of their own.
Sleeping Beauty is a monster luring princes to her tower, in search of her next meal. (The crowns do tend to get stuck in one’s teeth... but those swords do make such excellent toothpicks!) Snow White is a mooch, and the dwarves want her gone. (Damn poison and an apple’s tendency to neutralize it!) And Red Riding Hood? Don’t even get me going.
Who is the Crooked Man who hunts David? What happened to his step-uncle who mysteriously disappeared into this world? Will David ever make it home?
I’m not about to tell you, so you might as well go read the book.

Insider’s note: Check out the original versions of classic fairy tales featured at the back of the book. Bet you didn’t know goldilocks was originally an old lady. Or that it was a bit more then a kiss the Sleeping Beauty needed to wake up. The back was honestly my favorite part!

I give it a full
***** out of *****

[GnomesAteMyCake]

Cell
by Stephen King

"Civilization slipped into its second dark age on an unsurprising track of blood, but with a speed that could not have been foreseen even by the most pessimistic futurist.
It was if it had been waiting to go. On OCtober 1st, God was in His heaven, the stock market stood at 10,140, and most of the planes were on time (except those landing and taking off in Chicago, and that was to be expected). Two weeks later the shy belonged to the birds again and the stock market was a distant memory. By Halloween, every major city from New York to Moscow stank to the empty heavens, and the world as it had been was a memory".

This book is about Clayton Riddel, a young artist in boston who survived the first wave of The Pulse. The Pulse was a virus that is carried in each mobile phone, and anyone who makes or receives a call become insane, or die.
In Boston, Clayton flees the burning heart of the city, seeing first-hand the chaos of The Pulse. He can see the connection between the cell phones and the mayhem. He then remembers that his little boy in Maine has a little red cell phone. . .
It then becomes a race against time to see whether he can get home in time to save his little boy from The Pulse.

This book is awesome, because if you think about it, there are one hundred and ninety three million cell phones in America alone, and if this ever happened. . . . we'd be pretty fucked.
This utterly gripping and gory novel doesn't ask the question, "Can you hear me now?" It answers it with a vengence.

I've got loads of favourite parts, but one of my favourites is the beginning, when the shit hits the fan.

I give it **** out of *****

[Eva]

The Venetian Betrayal

by Steve Berry


Ever wondered what was up with Alexander the Great or the Templar Knights or Cleopatra? Steve Berry has. His six-book and expanding series about protagonist Cotton Malone has broached the subject of holes in history, and this one is no different.

Malone is caught in the crossfire between three, four, five, possibly hundreds of different groups. He goes to a museum to meet up with his old friend, a hot Muslim babe named Cassiopeia Vitt, and is almost killed when said museum is lit up in flames. 'Greek fire', a nearly inextinguishable oil flame, is the culprit. The lighters? Cassiopeia thinks(well, more like knows) they have connections to the Supreme Minister of the Asian Federation, Irina Zovastina.

Zovastina is tied to the Venetian League, a group of businesspeople who lend one another favors. One of her fellow members is Enrico Vincenti, who tries so hard to seem hard and threatening that it's really kinda sad when he fails so miserably. It's hard to be a badass when your primary opponent is 40 year old woman who has never used a gun in her life. Vincenti tries to come off as being omniscient, but really he just lucks out at every turn. If he didn't have so many allies, Zovastina would've offed him a long time ago. Worthless. Well, maybe not, since he is sitting on the biggest medical breakthrough of the century...

That brings us to the protagonists. This book is more about Cassiopeia than it is about Malone, and that's not a bad thing. She starts off as a cool cucumber and rapidly spirals into an ax-crazy revenge seeker. Not bad. Malone is witty and does a good job keeping Vitt in check. Henrik Thorvaldsen, the middle man of the two, is sort of dead weight. He doesn't do much, really. Introduced mid-book is Stephanie Nelle, Malone's ex-boss and the woman who takes on Vincenti after he rather stupidly kills one of her agents. You never can have too many enemies, can you?

Let me stop the review now and tell you that Zovastina is one ice-cold cunt. First, even though the Asian Federation is fictional, let's not ignore that it takes one badass bitch to unify several warring countries into one nigh-unstoppable powerhouse, and then hold onto power for several years after the fact. Mostly because, even though Russians are HATED in the Asian Federation and Zovastina herself is one, she still manages to gain so much support that nobody ever questions why a blonde white lady is in charge of the ASIAN Federation.

In spite of some rather boring sections(any chapter involving Vincenti is guaranteed to be full of A God am I bullshit and really should've been skipped in favor of more Zovastina, were it not for the role he plays in the book), this is a quality book. Read all of the Malone stories, and no doubt you'll get hooked.

I give The Venetian Betrayal

Four angry Vitts out of Five

[TragicAce]

Tsukihime
By uh…Japanese people (Type-Moon)

Alright first off Tsukihime isn’t a book per se, but hear me out: you remember those choose-your-own-adventure books from way back when, right? You know, go to page 32 to investigate the closet and that kind of jazz. Well, darn if the Japs didn’t take ‘em one step farther. Visual novels ought not to be confused with dating sims-even if to the ignorant observer they look similar. I could go into detail about the story but then I’d have to give you five uniquely different tales. So here’s an overview:

Your name is Tohno Shiki, or Shiki Tohno-whatever floats your boat. Unlike most novels out there the story is told from the first-person perspective, and seeing your fellow classmates facing you during conversation adds a level of depth that I frankly wasn’t used to. Anyway eight years ago you had some terrible accident that everyone covered up and you have little memory of. Since then you have been able to see these “lines” in objects and people where they can be cut and destroyed pretty much instantly (hey, it isn’t that much of a stretch from quiddich). You’re suffering from anemia and were basically banished to live with some branch family (the Tohno’s being a prestigious house). You’re a junior in high school in a city that is recently suffering from some serial killings. In these killings, all the blood from the victims was sucked dry…the only reasonable answer? Vampires.

The story from there changes depending on your choices. This also means that saving frequently is a must. These aren’t simply “okay, you die” decisions like in adventure books. Chances are it’ll be at least an hour since you ever have to make a choice again. The art style isn’t top notch but you’ll realize it isn’t the art that makes it. The photographs of places help give your senses an idea of where you are but the vast majority of the experience is gained through words. Alright I’ll admit there are a few adult scenes (wasn’t made in Auhmerica, you see) but they aren’t the focus like in other games and can be easily skipped. Well, only if you want to.

What should TragicAce rate Tsukihime?
1) Sucked. Girls were too realistically-portioned.
2) Mediocre. Vampires in school-girl uniforms are overrated.
--> 3) Great. 30+ hours and endings that really make you feel like shit when you end up driving a girl kill herself, woot!

[Weremouse]

The House of the Scorpion
by Nancy Farmer

Let me get one thing straight - the relation of the word scorpion to the story is not that it's about scorpions. It doesn't even feature a scorpion. The book is called "The House of the Scorpion" because the main character(s familys) last name(s) is(are) Alacran, which is apparently the Spanish word for scorpion.

You follow the story of Matteo Alacran. Seemingly normal boy living in a bit of a smothered (in that he hasn't ever left his house) lifestyle. But he has a loving mother figure and an otherwise normal life. WRONG. I lied. Nothing I've said has been less accurate. For starters, Matt was not born, he was harvested. His DNA came from El Patron, drug lord and king of the poppy fields between the US and what was once called Mexico. His barrier is it's own county, known as Opium for the drug it prominently grows.

Matt's life began in a petri dish. Originally there were 37 microscopic Matteo Alacran's, but all died except for the one we call our main character. Matt was then placed in the womb of a cow, which was slaughtered so Matt could be born. Matteo Alacran is a boy now, but most consider him a monster. Livestock. A clone. All but one man, El Patron, the original Matteo Alacran. El Patron loves Matt as he loves himself, because Matt is himself.

What Matt doesn't know is that the only thing that makes him inferior is a small text written on his right foot - "Property of the Alacran estate"

Faced with many sinister characters, including El Patron's powerhungry family, malevolent Rosa, Tom (a boy older than Matt but so much more heartless), and El Patrons' own criminal influence, Matt struggles to find his place in the world, and discover why he was created.

The House of Scorpions gets ****** out of *****

[Bryden]

The Art of Seduction
By Robert Greene

Well damn. This book makes me feel dangerous.
A non-fiction book concerning the hows and whys of seduction. A fascinating read on psychological, sociological, and anthropological levels. It walks you through the entire process of seduction step-by step, including going over tropes of seducers and victims. As you read, you will recognize yourself or aspects of yourself in the different tropes, which can tell you a lot of things about yourself and your "type".
The book offers examples and stories from history, legend, and literature. Elvis, Casanova, Evita... it's all here. And it's all fascinating.
More importantly, it's not all sexual seduction. Everything can also be applied to business, politics, friendship... it's all very "How to win friends and influence people". Disraeli seduced Queen Victoria without ever having to be sexual about it, for example.
The only real downside is how slimy you can feel after reading it. Informed? Yes. Dangerous? Totally. But still, also a little slimy. And I certainly wouldn't let Ace, Eva, or Allison within twelve feet of it.
The book is fascinating and I utterly devoured it. I sincerely recommend it for anyone up for a little less fiction.

**** out of *****