The LOOOoooOOOooove Doctors!

[Fallendire]

Remember those old skits in which Xanya and Fritz attempted to salvage the relationships of various RP characters?! I FOUNDS DEM! ANd, ta-da - I shall post the entire collection!

Skit the first: Saving the Valentine Marriage

THE COMMUNAL HOUSE OF ANGRY RPG CHARACTERS (AND ERMYNE)

*Cyrus walks in, looking dejected and frustrated*
Fritz: Who spat in your porridge?
Cyrus: I don't eat porridge, human.
Fritz: Oh, right. Um . . . oh, let's put it like this. What eating you?
Cyrus: Nothing eats me. I'm at the top of the food chain.
Fritz: Just tell me what's wrong.
Cyrus: Kel came home hopelessly drunk last night. Again.
Fritz: Jeez, that's like the third night in a row, right?
Cyrus: The third decade in a row. *stalks back out, muttering under his breath*
Xanya: *walks in, eating a cookie* Whassup, Twiggy?
Fritz:Cyrus and Kel need some help from the LOoooooooOOOOoooOOoove Doctor!
Xanya: A team of brain surgeons couldn't save that couple.
Fritz: Oh, come on! Be positive! Anyway, I think we should set up a romantic dinner to help them out!
Xanya: A dinner? But they don't eat.
Fritz: Fine, a romantic evening of sitting at a table. We'll listen to their conversation and play music to set the mOOOoooOOOoooOOOoood!
Xanya: Stop talking like that.
Fritz: If I doooOOOOoooOOOooo, will yoOOOooOOOooou help meeeEEEeeeEEe?
Xanya: Fine! Just stop that! God, you're so annoying!
Fritz: To the Love Clinic! *runs out the door into the spare bathroom in the hallway*
Xanya: You've been planning this, haven't you?
Fritz: *voice muffled* Of course! Their marriage was a wreck before they were even engaged! But the LoooOOoooOOOoooOOve Doctor's on the case!
Xanya: I'm gonna strangle you.
Fritz: Shh! You can do that later! Help me pick music from the rack of romantic CDs I have in here!

LATERZZ IN THE CHOARPGC(AE)

*Kel and Cyrus are sitting at a small, round table-for-two with a candle and a rose in a glass on the tablecloth. Kel has her feet propped up and the table, and Cyrus just looks annoyed.*

Kel: This is stupid. I wanna go out.
Cyrus: I know you do. But Mikhael wouldn't leave me alone until I promised we would spend some . . . *eye twitch* . . . "quality time" together.
Kel: Mikhael? You mean the twiggy one with mismatched eyes?

*Fritz and Xanya are hiding in a makeshift DJ booth in the next room, with a peephole so they can keep tabs on what's going on*
Fritz: Oooh! Can we start it? Can we start the music now?!
Xanya: Hang on! Wait for them to get talking!
Cyrus: Actually, Kel, there was something I wanted to discuss with you.
Kel: Mm-hmm. Whatever. *cracks neck*
Cyrus: You've been going out quite a bit lately. Too much, in my opinion.
Fritz: Okay! They're talking! *hits a button*
Speakers: *start blaring "Thrash Unreal"* "If she wants to dance and drink all night/ well, there's no one that can stop her!/ She's going until the houselights come up/ or her stomach spills onto the floor!"
Xanya: Idiot! That's not setting the mood at all! *switches off music*
Cyrus: *clears throat* Er . . . yes, well . . . anyway, I just think you should cut back a little.
Kel: Whaddaya mean? I haven't come home drunk every night.
Cyrus: That's because every once and a while you just don't come home.
Fritz: Oooh! Oooh! Music!
Xanya: Maybe I should -
Fritz: *hits button*
Speakers: *begin blaring "Wake-up Call"* "Wake-up call, caught you in the morning/ with another on in my bed/ don't you care about me anymore?/ Care about me? I don't think so!"
Xanya: Gaaaah! You imbecile! *switches off music* We're trying to make them feel good about each other!
Fritz: Oh, right. *hits button*
Speakers: "DAMN! You're a crazy bitch, but you -"
Xanya: NOOOOOOOOOO!

LATERZZ

*Kel and Cyrus are still sitting at the table; Kel looks ready to hit something*

Kel: This is so stupid. Can I go now?
Fritz:*over the speakers in the DJ booth* NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Cyrus: Just appease the boy, Malkelia.
Kel: How am I supposed to do that, huh?
Fritz:*still over the speakers* KISS!
Kel&Cyrus: Ew. No.
Xanya: Haven't you realized that unless they're literally having sex, they don't really like touching each other?
Fritz: That doesn't make sense.
Xanya: Sure it does. Oh, look, they're talking again!
Cyrus: I'm just saying that you don't contribute anything to society, Malkelia.
Kel: Sure I do. I've got . . . assets.
Fritz: Ooh! Music! Music! *hits button*
Speakers: "Maaaaaaah milkshake brings all thah boys to that yaaaard/ and they're like, 'it's battah than yaaaahs!'/ damn right, it's bettah than yaaaaaaaahs/ I can teach you, but I have to chaaarge!"

[Fallendire]

Skit the second: Saving Shormyne

STERLING AND DAEMON'S APARTMENT

*Kel and the rest of the Elfyria gang are lounging around a small, rather messy studio apartment. Sterling is on one couch, uncomfortably close to Ermyne, with his nose stuck in a large book. Daemon is on her other side with the mother of all hangovers.*

Ermyne: *shifting uncomfortably in her seat* Um . . . what are you reading?
Sterling: "A Concise Study of the Cumulative Effects of Terminal Protein Degradation due to Various Venoms, Volume II." Borrowed it from a rather creepy green-haired woman.
Daemon: She was hot.
Sterling: But also accompanied by an angry love interest who pounded you senseless whn you attempted to grope her. *under his breath* Idiot . . .
Ermyne: Um . . . I'm just gonna, er, go sit by Shorik - *starts to stand up*
Sterling: That's unnecessary. *grabs Ermyne's arm and drags her back down, putting one arm possessively around her shoulders*
Ermyne: Um . . . o-okay, then . . .
Daemon: *snickering* Sterling's hot on the little vaaaaaamp!
Shorik: *grumbles angrily under his breath*
Kel: Ha ha. Eat it, human.
Shorik: *flips Kel off* Bite me.
Kel: . . . think about what you say, human.
Shorik: . . . oh. Well, then, you can just go shove your fangs up your -
Sterling: Be a gentleman, now. We're in the company of ladies.
Tusk: *glances at Kel and Andra* Ladies? Where?
Daemon: Heh. Mum's not a laaaaaadyyyyyy . . .
Kel: Hold your tongue before I tear it out of your mouth, you ungrateful little bastard.
Daemon: Hmph. I love you too, mommy.
Sterling: *brushes Ermyne's hair out of her eyes and leans closer* You're very pretty.
Ermyne: . . . RAPE! OH MY GOD! GET HIM AWAY FROM MEEEE!
SHORIK: RAPE! OH MY GOD! GET HIM AWAY FROM HER!
Meian: Um . . . yeah. *glares at Kel* This is your fault.
Kel: My fault? How the hell-
Meian: Fault of Kel is confirmed.
Kel: But I-
Meian: FAULT OF KEL.

THE CHOARPGC (AE)

Fritz: Xaaaaaaaaanyaaaaaaaaa!
Xanya: What do you want, you pathetic little monkeyworm?
Fritz: . . . "monkeyworm?"
Xanya: I'm running out of degrading nicknames for you. Deal with it. What do you want?
Fritz: The LOOOoooOOOooove Doctors are back on the case!
Xanya: . . . oh, god, no. Why?! Don't you remember how our plan to save Kel and Cyrus' marriage failed miserably?
Fritz: *glances over at Kel and Cyrus, who are currently attempting to rip each other's throats out*Uh . . . well, that's exactly why we need to help another couple . . . to redeem ourselves from that embarassing failure!
Xanya: *sigh* Fine. Who are our victims this time?
Fritz: Shorik and Ermyne! *points at the two, who are currently sitting next to each other on a couch, talking happily*
Xanya: What, the snotty teenage brats? They look happy enough.
Fritz: But there are complications.
Xanya: Complications? Like what . . . like Kel and Cyrus' deal, i.e. they hate each other?
Fritz: No, they love each other.
Xanya: Then what's the problem?
Fritz: Uh . . . well, Ermyne's guardian doesn't think Shorik is good enough, aforesaid guardian's son wants Ermyne's ass, and Ermyne has numerous former traumas that make her terrified of physical affection.
Xanya: Uh . . . that's not that bad.
Fritz: And her guardian's name is Kel Fallendire.
Xanya: Oh, crap. That explains it.
Fritz: But that's okay! Because the LOOOOooOOOooove Doctors are on the case! WE WILL FIX THIS!
Xanya:*muttering under her breath* Or we'll screw their relationship over so badly that they never want to see a member of the opposite sex ever again . . .

STILL IN THE COMMUNAL HOME OF ANGRY RPG CHARACTERS(AND ERMYNE), FOOLS

*Fritz and Xanya are crouching behind the couch where Ermyne and Shorik are talking, conversing frantically between themselves*

Fritz: Okay, so we -
Xanya: -get them on a date -
Fritz: - keep Kel and Sterling out of their hair -
Xanya: - and watch as the magic happens and they finally realize how much they loooooooove each other! It's perfect!
Fritz: So you get Ermyne ready . . .
Xanya: . . . and you convince Shorik to ask her out.

*Xanya and Fritz suddenly pop up behind the couch, scaring the bejeezus out of Ermyne and Shorik*

Xanya: *grabs Ermyne's wrist and yanks her off the couch* C'mere, you. I'm gonna make you pretty!!!
Fritz: *grabs Shorik and steers him into the next room* Grow some niblets, kid! It's time that you came to terms with your feelings for Emily!
Shorik: Ermyne.
Fritz: Whatever. So, why haven't you asked her out yet?
Shorik: Because there are at least two murderous vampires who would kill me if I did. Duh.
Fritz: Well, what if my associate and I could guarantee that the two of you would be completely alone? Well, except for me an' aforesaid associate spying on you all night?
Shorik: . . . well . . . what if she says no?
Fritz: What if me and my associate could guarantee that she'd say yes?
Shorik: . . . deal. But it'd better be perfect.
Fritz: Perfect? Kid, perfect's my middle name.
Shorik: I thought your middle name was Franz-Wilhelm.
Fritz: Ye- well, yeah, but you're not supposed to know that!

ELSEWHERE IN THE CHOARPGC(AE). IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT THAT IS, I WILL MAKE ANGRY SCREAMY NOISES.

*Xanya jumps out of nowhere and grabs Ermyne, covers her mouth, and drags her to another room. She shoves her into a chair in front of a vanity and ties her to it.*

Ermyne: Hey! Wh-what's going on? What are y-you doing?
Xanya: *smiles evilly* Making you pretty. Come on in, girls.

*Bexdian, Kaimen, and Marluxia walk in. Bexdian and Kaimen look extremely ticked off, and Marluxia looks wildly enthusiastic*

Xanya: . . . Marluxia. You aren't a girl.
Marluxia: So?
Xanya: So you can't be here.
Marluxia: Why not?
Xanya: Because Ermyne will be changing.
Marluxia: *glances at Ermyne's almost-flat chest* Well, there's really nothing to see.
Xanya: OUUUUUUT!
Marluxia: *hangs his head and shuffles out, shutting the door behind himself*
Xanya: Alright, Ermyne! Time to snazz you up a bit!
Ermyne: Whyyyyyyy?!
Xanya: Because you have a date with Shorik tonight.
Ermyne: *fangirlish squee* Really? Really? Reallyreallyreallyreallyreally?!
Xanya: . . . yes. Now, first off, let's talk about those . . . bandages. *points at dirty, bloodstained bandages covering Ermyne's nonexistant cleavage* You need to get rid of those. They're kind of . . . frightening.
Ermyne: But I need those! They hide the horrific scars from the night I was Turned! (zomg spoiler alert)
Xanya: . . . too bad. *strips Ermyne down with the help of Bexdian and Kaimen and forces her into a corset*
Ermyne: Why? Why does it matter that I'm wearing fancy, attractive underwear? It's not like anyone's going to see it!
Xanya: . . .
Bexdian: . . .
Kaimen: . . .
Xanya: We've got a lot of work to do, girls.
Kaimen: . . . the dress.
Bexdian: Yes. *whips out a black lace dress; long-sleeved and V-necked, with an ornate silk-and-lace skirt that stops just above the knee.*
Ermyne: Oh, no. No, that . . . that really isn't necessary at all-

*The women grab Ermyne, untie her, and force her into the dress, then strap on a pair of eight-inch heels and apply a bunch of mascara.*

Xanya: Ta-daaaaaaaaaa!
Ermyne: *sniffles miserably*
Xanya: You . . . you don't like it?
Ermyne: *wailing* I look like a stripper!!!!
Xanya: . . . well, wasn't that the point?

ELSEWHERE ELSEWHERE IN TEH CHOARPGC(AE)

*Fritz grabs Shorik by the arms and shoves him out into the sitting room. Xanya does the same with Ermyne, though she is now wearing the elaborate black lace dress and eight-inch heels*

Shorik: Uh, hi, Ermy-
Ermyne: EEEEEK! *trips on the heels and falls on Shorik*
Shorik: *helps her up* Uh, are you okay?
Ermyne: No. These shoes are making me miserable. But it's okay . . .
Shorik: Uh . . . well, I'm sorry they're uncomfortable, but I think they look nice.
Ermyne: Really? *rocks back and forth shyly, but stops as she nearly falls over again* Uh . . . th-thanks . . .
Fritz:*hissing from behind the couch* Get on with it!
Shorik: Huh? Oh, uh . . . Ermyne, d'you . . . uh, d-d-d-do y-y-ou want t-to go, um, g-go out w-w-w-with -

*Sterling suddenly bursts in, wearing an elegant pinstriped black suit with a velvet cravat*

Sterling: *smirking; shoves Shorik out of the way* Ermyne, you look lovely! Is there any particular occasion that you're dressed up for?
Ermyne: Um, well, actually -
Sterling: No? Then let's make one. Come out with me tonight.
Ermyne: Actually, Shorik -
Sterling: You want to get married, too? Well, I'm sure that can be arranged!
Ermyne: No, no, I'm trying to tell you -
Xanya: Oh, for the love of god! *grabs a table lamp and bashes Sterling over the head* There. Problem solved. Ermyne, you're going out to dinner with Shorik, no questions asked. And you - *turns to Shorik* Grow some niblets, kid.
Ermyne: *steps away from Sterling's unconcious body and nearly falls over again* O-okay then . . .
Shorik: Yessss! Er, I mean, this'll be fun.
Ermyne: Mm-hmm.
Xanya: Will you stop with the shy cutesyness and just go to the table set up outside? We'll bring you the food and then you can be as gooey as you want.

*Xanya shoves the pair out on the balcony, where a table for two is set up. There's an arrangement of roses on the table, candles, the whole nine yards. Shorik and Ermyne sit down, giggling nervously.*

Ermyne: So, um . . . Fritz and Xanya set this up?
Shorik: Yeah, but, uh . . . I . . . I would've asked you out anyway, even without them.
Fritz: *rolls eyes* Yeah, twenty years from now . . .
Xanya: Shut up and hide in the strategically placed rosebushes on either side of the table!

*Fritz and Xanya hide in the strategically placed rosebushes on either side of the table, making many loud and very conspicuous exclamations concerning the thorns*

Fritz: *Sticks a bleeding thumbs-up out of the bush at Shorik* Alright, kid! Show 'er what you're made of!
Shorik: Um . . . what am I supposed to be made of, exactly?
Fritz: Um . . . niblets, I guess.

THE KITCHEN OF THE CHOARPGC(AE)

*Fritz and Xanya have left the strategically placed rosebushes and are now ordering practically every other RPG character in existence an industrial-size kitchen*

Fritz: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Move it move it move it! I want that crown roast to be luscious!
Xanya: You call those deviled eggs? They look pretty damned angelic to me!
Fritz: Where's my caviar?! WE NEED CAVIAR!
Xanya: Who's making the chocolate ganache? I need somebody on chocolate ganache!
Fritz: You, pale creepy woman! You're the wine lady, right?
Bexdian: . . . aren't the ones we're preparing all of this for underage?
Fritz: Um, yeah. I just couldn't remember if you were the creepy wine lady or the creepy poison lady.
Bexdian: I'm both, imbecile.
Dracul: Ooh! I do poison, too!
Fritz: . . .
Xanya: . . .
Fritz: Okay, uh . . .
Xanya: *presses a headset in her ear* Security? We have a situation. Yeah, um, too crazy poison people . . . they shouldn't be around food, t'be honest.

*Tusk barges in, grabs Bexdian around the waist and flings her over his shoulder, then drags Dracul out by his wrist*

Fritz: Okay. Where were we?
Xanya: We were screaming unreasonable demands for fancy, expensive food at people we either don't know or aren't friends with.
Fritz: Right. HEY, HEY, HEY! DON'T BURN THE MERINGUES!

*Finally, they bring out an unbelievable luxury seven-course spread for Shorik and Ermyne. Eachcourse is brought in by the Turks (although by the second course, they kick Reno off duty because he nearly spills saffron couscous down Shorik's shirt.)*

Shorik: Wow, this is . . . this is . . . this is amazing!
Ermyne: Um . . .
Xanya: What? Do you not like it? Is the crown roast too tough? We can remarinate it!
Ermyne: Well, no, it's just . . . I can't eat solid food . . .
Fritz: . . .
Xanya: . . .
Fritz: . . .
Xanya: @#$%!!!!

ON A BALCONY ABOVE THE BALCONY THAT IS THE BALCONY THAT SHORIK AN ERMYNE ARE SEATED ON, WHICH JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE ONE FLOOR BELOW THE BALCONY UPON WHICH THIS SECTION OF THE SKIT BEGINS

*Kel is crouched next to her cousin Hyvie, glaring down at the couple*

Kel: okay, you see the human kid?
Hyvie: Yes, I see him. This is a waste of my time, Fallendire.
Kel: Is it really?
Hyvie: What do you mean?
Kel: He's, um . . . he's . . . a jaywalker.
Hyvie: *eye twitch* . . . criminal . . . must . . . punish!*whips out a sniper rifle* VENGENCE WILL BE SEEEEERVED! PREPARE TO DIE, FOUL JAYWALKER, AT THE OMNIPOTENT HANDS OF JUSTICE!
Kel: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a sec! You see the girl?
Hyvie: *clears throat* Hmm? Oh, yes. Yes, I do.
Kel: She's a model citizen, does community service on Sundays, and wants to be a police officer when she grows up.
Hyvie: Oh, okay, then. I won't hit her.
Kel: You better not, Hyv.

*Below them, Xanya overhears the conversation and grabs Fritz, panicked*

Xanya: Kel's trying to get her cousin to shoot Shorik!
Fritz: Who, Hyvie?
Xanya: . . . no, her other trigger-happy blue-haired cop cousin.
Fritz: Oh, you mean Moira . . .
Xanya: NO! No, no, no, it's Hyvie!
Fritz: I WILL FIX THIS! *sprints up to the upper balcony and tackles Hyvie* Nooooooo, boss!
Hyvie: Private Mikhael? What the hell are you doing? I need to shoot the jaywalker!
Fritz: Shorik isn't a - wait, what? You'd shoot a guy just because he crosses the street at the wrong time?!
Hyvie: Jaywalkers are criminals. Criminals must be punished. Punishment consists of shooting people in the head.
Fritz: Oh, well, I guess that makes sense . . . no, no, wait, no! Shorik doesn't jaywalk!
Hyvie: Prove it.
Fritz: *leans over balcony* Yo, Shorik!
Shorik: *looks up, irritated* What now?
Fritz: Do you jaywalk?
Shorik: Um . . . no. Why d'you ask?
Fritz: Because my boss would shoot you if you did. But you don't, so that's okay!
Hyvie: . . . alright, I'm convinced. I'm gonna go arrest that pale creepy woman now.
Fritz: You mean Bexdian? What for?
Hyvie: Excessive creepiness. It disturbs the peace. *eye twitch* She must be punished. *gets up and leaves*
Kel: Crap, foiled. *glares at Fritz* Damn you, you twiggy little weasel!*gets up and leaves*

*Below all the drama, Shorik takes Ermyne's hand and leads her away from the table, looking slightly annoyed.*

Shorik: Tell you what . . . let's just go for a walk, okay? We've been interrupted a lot. *glares at strategically placed rosebushes*
Ermyne: Um . . . I can't walk in these deathtrap shoes . . .
Xanya: I WILL FIX THIS! *chucks Ermyne's old shoes at her; they hit her squarely in the back of her head*
Ermyne: OW! *picks herself up and puts the shoes on* Um . . . okay, that's better . . .

*in the sittting room, Sterling picks himself up, rubbing his head and groaning*

Sterling: Ugh . . . what . . . oh, right. I need to go break up Shorik and Ermy-
Xanya: *sprints in and bashes him over the head with the lamp again* HA! *Does a little victory dance* I am the ULTIMATE LOOOoooOOOooove Doctor! Eat it, twiggy!

[Fallendire]

Skit the Third: Saving Kel's Parents

THE CHOARPGC(AE)

*Xanya and Fritz are lying on a shag rug in the lounge, staring listlessly at the ceiling.*

Fritz: I see a puppy.
Xanya: Where?
Fritz: *pointing* See that little swirl of paint? That one right there? The blobby bit to the left is his nose, and then -
Xanya: Why are we wasting our time on this?
Fritz: 'Cuz there are no more couples to fix.

*Tybalt stumbles in, his head in his hands, cravat askew, shoes imperfectly shined; in short, he's having a complete meltdown.*

Tybalt: *mumbling to himself* No . . . I need to keep her safe . . . I need to make sure she's alright . . .
Persephone: *calling from the other room* Hey, T, I'm goin' to the mall with Alexei.
Tybalt: *eyetwitch* NOOOOOOO! *bolts after her,on the verge of tears* Stop! It's not safe! It's not saaaafe!
Fritz: . . . . .
Xanya: . . . . .
Fritz&Xanya: WE WILL FIX THIS! *they both jump up, striking the Sailor Moon pose* The LOOOoooOOOooove Doctors are on the case!

DER MALL O' DOOM

*Fritz and Xanya are perched on the lit sign of a Hot Topic, peering at Persephone through useless toy binoculars.*

Xanya: Okay. What did you dig up on the research end of things?
Fritz: Persephone and Tybalt are Fallendires, distant cousins through marriage.
Xanya: . . . Ew.
Fritz: That's what she said.
Xanya: That's what who said?
Fritz: . . . . . . um . . . . . actually, I don't know. Everybody just says, 'that's what she said,' but I don't really -
Xanya: Okay, continue.
Fritz: Right. Um, Tybalt is, like, totally obsessed with Percy, but she doesn't know it. She kinda likes Alexei, the guy who murdered her parents. But Ty thinks that he wants to kill her, too.
Xanya: Wow! This is a lot easier than most of our cases!
Fritz: Oh, and Alexei is Death.
Xanya: But Death is Kel's dad, and Alexei is barely more than a teenager.
Fritz: Bri is the master of plot incongruity.
Xanya: Who?
Fritz: The crazy chick. You know, the one who had me incinerated on a whim.
Xanya: the one who created Bexdian?
Fritz: yeah.
Xanya: *shudder* Oh. Well, maybe this will be more complicated than I thought.
Fritz: That's what she said.

STILL AT DER MALL O' DOOM, FOOLS

Fritz: So, what's the plan?
Xanya: We need to convince Percy of Tybalt's viewpoint: That Alex is a crazy, homicidal murderer who's out for her blood.
Fritz: How are we gonna do that?
Xanya: *teh sigh* I feel like I'm the only one contributing to the LOOOoooOOOooove healing here.
Fritz: That's what she said.
Xanya: Will you stop that?
Fritz: Sorry. Go on.
Xanya: We're gonna rig a bunch of stuff in the mall to nearly kill Percy and make it look like Alexei did it.
Fritz: How do we make it look like he's the suspect?
Xanya: By showing up shortly after every accident and screaming, "ALEXEI DID IT!" and pointing obnoxiously.
Fritz: . . . that's how we do everything.
Xanya: Exactly. Consistency is key. Keep up, Mickey.
Fritz: . . . what?
Xanya: Um . . . Mickey. Y'know, like 'Mikhael,' except . . . I thought you should have a nickname. So I can pretend you're someone else.
Fritz: That's what she -
Xanya: Die.

AT ANOTHER PART OF DER MALL O' DOOM

Percy: Hey, do you shop at Hot Topic?
Alexei: Sometimes. I like the GIR shirts.
Percy: Let's swing by there . . . I need more red hair dye.
Alexei: . . . . . . ?
Percy: Hey, even my natural blaze o' glory needs a little . . . enhancement.
Alexei: I thought Fallendires were supposed to be, like, raw and natural.
Percy: That's what she said. Hey, Are those Mikhaels on the Hot Topic Sign? Let's throw stuff at them!
Alexei: Focus. we're here to shop, not injure people.
Percy: Jeez. You sound like Tybalt.
Fritz: *whispering* Okay. We'll loosen the sign's bolt, and it'll nearly fall on Percy as they walk in.
Xanya: *also whispering, of course* Good. Let's do it.

*The LOOOoooOOOooove Doctors busily begin to unhitch the sign. It crashes down just as Percy and Alexei are walking in, but he pushes Percy out of the way just in time. Fritz and Xanya, however, are not so lucky and fall into the wreckage; they hadn't thought their plan through enough to realize that they were SITTING ON THE DAMN SIGN.*

Percy: *Slightly out of breath* You - you just saved my life!
Alexei: *Also out of breath, of course. And making no visible effort to get off Percy.* I guess I did.
Percy: *clears throat* uh, I mean, not that I couldn't have taken care of myself. Get off.
Fritz: *Extracting himself from the remains of the sign* Alexei did it! Alexei did it!
Percy: *Looking up admiringly at Alexei* Heh . . . yeah, he did.
Xanya: *Also extracting herself from the remains of the sign, of course* You're an idiot, Mickey.
Fritz: *teh sigh* That's what she said.

ELSEWHERE IN DER MALL O' DOOM

*It just so happens that Kel and Cyrus are at the Mall o' Doom as well. They're redoing the study at the Valentine Manse, so a trip to the Pottery Barn outlet was merited.*

Kel: I still hate those curtains.
Cyrus: Give them time. They'll look a lot better once they're up in the study.
Kel: Well, they looked like crap hanging in the store, and that's all I care about. Hey, is that, uh . . . what's-'is-face? My cousin's twiggy slave?
Cyrus: *glowering* Your clandestine lover's son?
Kel: Yeah, him. *awkward pause* Uh, I mean . . . I dunno what you're talking about.
Cyrus: And . . . are those your parents as teenagers? And that emotionally unstable Organization brat?
Kel&Cyrus: . . . . . . . . .
Kel: The -
Cyrus: LOOOoooOOOooove -

*There is a long, horrified silence as they think through the potential consequences of the LOOOoooOOOooove Doctors going to work on Kel's folks.*

Kel: Oh, no! No! They'll screw everything up, and my parents will never get together -
Cyrus: And my beautiful plan will fall to pieces! Centuries of waiting and planning for nothing!
Kel: *glances at Cyrus* You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Cyrus: Please don't use cliches. They give me horrid migraines. But, yes.
Kel&Cyrus: WE WILL FIX THIS!
Kel: . . . we need a name.
Cyrus: What?
Kel: Y'know, like . . . they're 'The LOOOoooOOOooove Doctors,' so shouldn't we be, like . . . 'The Anti-LOOOoooOOOooove Doctors' or something?
Cyrus: . . . . . do you now understand why Bri asks Travis to name all the threads?
Kel: . . .
Cyrus: *teh sigh* Let's just be, um . . .
Bri: Der Super-Kawaii-Love-Soul Monkey Brigade o' Denmarkia and Beyond!
Cyrus: *nearly hyperventilating* Dear god! Where did you come from? *to Kel, gesturing wildly at Bri* Was she standing there a minute ago? She wasn't there a minute ago!
Kel: . . . I like the name. Okay, Der Super-Kawaii-Love-Soul Monkey Brigade o' Denmarkia and Beyond . . . AWAAAAY!

And that's that. This skit was never finished. But I shall complete it . . . and new LOOOoooOOOooove Doctor skits will be on the way!