Post by Bryden on Dec 5, 2009 16:37:28 GMT -5
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (it was called Ye Olde Detroit), there lived a King and a Queen. They don’t get names, they were just King and Queen.
The Queen was sitting in her tower one day, looking out of her window onto the winter landscape while she did her sewing.
Why she was sewing herself rather then having her maids do it I have no idea. Probably because of Plot.
Apparently she wasn’t very GOOD at sewing, either, because she pricked her finger on the needle and drew blood.
Now, the Queen must’ve been one emo bitch, because the first thing she thought was not “Ow” or “I need a ye olde band-aid and some ye olde Neosporin”. Oh no. the first thing our Queenie thought was “Oh, I wish to have a child as white as this snow, as black as this wood, and as red as this blood!”
(The Queen, incidentally, was mildly retarded, but that’s besides the point.)
Anywho, due to some emo magic and a bit of genetic testing, the Queen got her wish and gave birth to a daughter who had skin as white as snow, hair as black as ebony, and lips as red as blood. (Ok, so the lips weren’t REALLY red, but the lipstick was, and that’s good enough. It’s one of those “Maybe she’s born with it…” kinda of things.)
But the Queen never saw any of this, because directly after giving birth, she very predictably died.
But not before naming her child “Papyrus”.
A name which the King changed to “Snow White” directly, because he thought that her name choice was retarded (he was going through a Native American thing at the time).
Snow White was a really ugly-ass baby. She was fat and mostly bald and cried all the time. Also, she looked a little bit like Winston Churchill.
But, luckily for the eyes of her servants, she got prettier as time went on. By the time she was three, all the pedos in the land wanted to Tap Dat.
Now, the King had remarried shortly after his wife’s death.
About three weeks after, actually, because he’d had a little sumin sumin goin’ on on the side, and she threatened to go to the ye olde gossip mags and out him if he didn’t put a ring on it STAT.
The new queen (we’ll call her Model 2.0) was very beautiful, but also very vain. She thought she was the hot shit, and liked to be reminded just what a fine piece of ass she really was.
She reminded herself through the use of a magic mirror TM and two double-A batteries.
Every day she would go to the Magic Mirror TM and ask “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the finest slice of all the bitches?”
And the mirror would tell her “You, my queen. DAMN you fine!”
And she would leave satisfied.
But the older Snow White became, the prettier she got, until one day, when she was fourteen, the Queen was given quite a shock at the mirror.
As usual she asked “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the finest slice of all the bitches?”
But to her shock, she was told “You a sexy bitch, it’s true, but Jailbait over there makes you look like a dried up old shoe!”
She instantly began PLOTting.
She finally came up with a plan (it took a scant five years). She would send the princess out into the woods and have her killed! Then she would eat the girl’s heart to imbibe her beauty (not really a good idea, as her heart was full of glitter and goodness and was really, really diseased).
So 2.0 called upon her trusty huntsman to take her out into the woods and kill her (rape and/or necrophilia optional).
She instructed him to take Snow White into the woods, kill her, and bring back her heart as proof.
He agreed.
They rode for hours.
Then he got them some horses so that they could stop getting it on and actually make it through the deep, dark woods.
But when it came time to really stab the girl, the huntsman pussied out and didn’t do it. Instead, he warned her “Your wicked stepmother wishes you dead! You must run away into the forest and never return!”
He conveniently left out his own involvement.
The little girl ran away through the woods, terrified. For some reason, her hair and dress did not catch on anything, she didn’t fall, and nothing ate her.
The huntsman, meanwhile, killed a boar and brought back its heart. He put a few stickers on it to fool the really dumb Model 2.0.
Snow White ran all through the night, never stopping until she came across a little house.
Caring nothing for laws, breaking and entering lawsuits, or ADT, she walked right in.
Inside, she found a perfect house, all in miniature. It had seven little beds, seven little place settings and seven chairs along a table, and seven mysterious boxes labeled “GAI SEX TOIS” in glitter-pen writing.
Snow White, taking a page from her Cousin Goldie’s book, decided that the owners of the house surely would not mind if she waited there for a while.
She also decided they would not mind if she took a bit of their food (she proceeded to eat everything in sight, then raid the fridge).
She also also decided that they wouldn’t mind if she took a little nap. She passed out across all of the seven beds.
It was not long before the owners came home to discover the little criminal.
The owners of the house were seven very short men. They were named
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
And Fred.
“Someone has entered out home!” said Monday.
“Someone has eaten our food!” said Thursday.
“Someone is sleeping in our beds!” declared Fred, “And it ain’t even the hooker we killed last night!”
This is the moment that Snow White picked to wake up and start screaming.
The vertically-challenged persons told her to shut up and explain herself before they called the cops. (Tuesday already had 9-1 dialed, and was poised to hit the other 1 if things got weird.)
So she explained about her wicked stepmother who wanted her dead, and told them how she had noplace to go now.
The dwarves all had a simultaneous good idea.
“Hey, toots,” said Saturday sneakily, “You can stay here with us if you cook and clean and wear this.”
He held up a piece of underwear that involved a lot of leather and lace and confusing straps.
Snow White, being so innocent and sweet (and also, mildly retarded, which she inherited from her mother) agreed.
So she lived with them very happily, cooking and cleaning and wearing exciting underwear. But the vertically challenged persons always warned her “Your bitch stepmom is going to figure out where you are eventually, so never ever let anyone in the house but us! …especially not cops!”
And she agreed.
But meanwhile, back in Ye Olde Detroit, 2.0 had just finished putting new batteries in her Magic Mirror TM.
“Mirror Mirror on the wall,” she asked it, smirking, “Who is the finest slice of all the bitches?”
But the mirror told her, “Bitch, your ass is tight, it’s true, but hiding with the seven shorties, Snow White is WAY sexier then you!”
2.0 felt fury rising in her as the mirror ranted on “I mean, like, girl is Beyonce fine!”
“This must be stopped,” she declared as she devised a new plot.
So 2.0 disguised herself as a peasant woman and went down to the place where Snow white was living.
“RIBBONS!” she called temptingly, “RIBBONS FOR SALE! RIBBONS, FUZZY HANDCUFFS, AND ANGEL DUST FOR SALE!”
Snow White called her over, excited to see the ribbons and wondering what “Angel Dust” was.
2.0 offered to give a free demo, and re-lace Snow White’s corset for her. Snow White, who was one of those annoying girls who always gets the demo but never buys, agreed.
But 2.0 laced it so tight that she could not breathe, and se fell down, looking quite dead!
Cackling wickedly, 2.0 left her there.
Luckily, the seven vertically challenged people came home from their jobs as chartered accountants just at that moment, pulled a Jack Sparrow, and saved Snow White (as well as got an eyeful).
They warned her never to do that again, and could not stay mad at her with her tits hanging out like that, so she promised she’d be more careful.
Back at the palace of Ye Olde Detroit, 2.0 had just discovered that “You a fine grrl, it’s true, but safe with the shorties, Snow White is STILL finer then you!”
So she invented yet another evil plot!
A week later, the queen disguised herself as a different peddler woman (she wasn’t so creative) and brought more wares by the house to sell.
“PRETTY HAIR COMBS! COMBS, VIAGRA, STRAP-ONS! SOME AND BUY!” she called. And Snow White, who had apparently forgotten all about last time, waved her over.
And, like an idiot, Snow White let her comb her hair.
Of course, the comb was poisoned, and the moment it touched her hair, she fell to the floor, as if dead!
The evil woman laughed again (she really liked her evil laugh, she’d been working on it in front of her Magic Mirror TM) and left her.
But, yet again, the vertically challenged person returned in the nick of time, and pulled the comb from her hair (and undid her top, for good measure).
Just like a space bag, she game right back to life.
Again, they warned her (not making eye contact…) and she promised to be more careful.
But the evil 2.0 went home to discover, in words too foul to print, that Snow White was STILL the finest of them all!
Livid, she decided to go one more time to stop her. She devised a poisoned mango to poison her.
It was a flop.
So he devised a poisoned pumpkin!
Another failure.
So at last the tried an apple and THIS TIME she hit it perfectly!
The apple was half red and half white (where a white apple comes from I’ve no idea, but still). The red half was poisoned, of course.
She disguised herself as ANOTHER peddler woman and brought the apple up to the house to trick Snow White again.
Clearly Snow White was fucking brain-dead, as she let the woman in right away.
“Have a bite of apple, dearie,” 2.0 offered as she reached for the poison.
Sadly, all of the apples were half-red-half-white, so she forgot which one she needed and just picked at random.
It wasn’t poisoned, but because Snow White was such an idiot, she took a bite of the normal stuff and choked, falling quite dead-ish-ly to the ground.
The evil woman laughed and ran off before the cops showed.
The seven vertically challenged persons arrived home to find her gone.
They took the combs from her hair. Nothing.
They undid her top. Nothing.
They took off all of her clothes. Nothing.
They fapped. STILL nothing!
For some reason that probably had more to do with fetisishes then reviving her, they washed her body in water and wine.
But Snow White did not awaken.
They did not want to bury her under the cold ground (also they were too lazy to dig), so they put her in a glass coffin and put her on display.
They mourned over her for a year.
But then one day, a group of people came riding (on horses) up over the hill.
It was a Prince (who’s name was Prince) and his attendants, on an Adventure of some sort.
The Prince stopped at the coffin and stared at Snow White.
Rather then asking the seven vertically challenged persons why they had a chick in a coffin and calling the cops, he took it in stride!
In fact, he started begging them to give him the girl and the coffin.
They did not agree, saying that they could never part with her.
So he offered them cold hard gold.
And they agreed!
Prince had his servants pick up the coffin (which was like a gazillion pounds and really fragile), but the oafs dropped it.
So hard to find good help these days.
But the drop knocked the bit of apple from Snow White’s windpipe (clearly the Heimlich maneuver had not occurred to the seven), and she awoke.
Prince went right over to the zombie-girl and proposed marriage.
Seeing as being dead for a year seemed to have done little to mess with her vitals, Snow White agreed!
He took her off to live with him in the palace, nobody bothered to thank the seven vertically challenged persons, and there was a big wedding.
(She was a total Bridezilla.)
But what became of Model 2.0 you might wonder?
Well the dumbass got hungry on her way home and took a bite of apple.
This one WAS poisoned, as she fell down dead.
Her body was eaten by the fuzzy and cute creatures of the forest.
Magic Mirror TM ran out of batteries and died.
And they all lived stupidly ever after!
THE END
The Queen was sitting in her tower one day, looking out of her window onto the winter landscape while she did her sewing.
Why she was sewing herself rather then having her maids do it I have no idea. Probably because of Plot.
Apparently she wasn’t very GOOD at sewing, either, because she pricked her finger on the needle and drew blood.
Now, the Queen must’ve been one emo bitch, because the first thing she thought was not “Ow” or “I need a ye olde band-aid and some ye olde Neosporin”. Oh no. the first thing our Queenie thought was “Oh, I wish to have a child as white as this snow, as black as this wood, and as red as this blood!”
(The Queen, incidentally, was mildly retarded, but that’s besides the point.)
Anywho, due to some emo magic and a bit of genetic testing, the Queen got her wish and gave birth to a daughter who had skin as white as snow, hair as black as ebony, and lips as red as blood. (Ok, so the lips weren’t REALLY red, but the lipstick was, and that’s good enough. It’s one of those “Maybe she’s born with it…” kinda of things.)
But the Queen never saw any of this, because directly after giving birth, she very predictably died.
But not before naming her child “Papyrus”.
A name which the King changed to “Snow White” directly, because he thought that her name choice was retarded (he was going through a Native American thing at the time).
Snow White was a really ugly-ass baby. She was fat and mostly bald and cried all the time. Also, she looked a little bit like Winston Churchill.
But, luckily for the eyes of her servants, she got prettier as time went on. By the time she was three, all the pedos in the land wanted to Tap Dat.
Now, the King had remarried shortly after his wife’s death.
About three weeks after, actually, because he’d had a little sumin sumin goin’ on on the side, and she threatened to go to the ye olde gossip mags and out him if he didn’t put a ring on it STAT.
The new queen (we’ll call her Model 2.0) was very beautiful, but also very vain. She thought she was the hot shit, and liked to be reminded just what a fine piece of ass she really was.
She reminded herself through the use of a magic mirror TM and two double-A batteries.
Every day she would go to the Magic Mirror TM and ask “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the finest slice of all the bitches?”
And the mirror would tell her “You, my queen. DAMN you fine!”
And she would leave satisfied.
But the older Snow White became, the prettier she got, until one day, when she was fourteen, the Queen was given quite a shock at the mirror.
As usual she asked “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the finest slice of all the bitches?”
But to her shock, she was told “You a sexy bitch, it’s true, but Jailbait over there makes you look like a dried up old shoe!”
She instantly began PLOTting.
She finally came up with a plan (it took a scant five years). She would send the princess out into the woods and have her killed! Then she would eat the girl’s heart to imbibe her beauty (not really a good idea, as her heart was full of glitter and goodness and was really, really diseased).
So 2.0 called upon her trusty huntsman to take her out into the woods and kill her (rape and/or necrophilia optional).
She instructed him to take Snow White into the woods, kill her, and bring back her heart as proof.
He agreed.
They rode for hours.
Then he got them some horses so that they could stop getting it on and actually make it through the deep, dark woods.
But when it came time to really stab the girl, the huntsman pussied out and didn’t do it. Instead, he warned her “Your wicked stepmother wishes you dead! You must run away into the forest and never return!”
He conveniently left out his own involvement.
The little girl ran away through the woods, terrified. For some reason, her hair and dress did not catch on anything, she didn’t fall, and nothing ate her.
The huntsman, meanwhile, killed a boar and brought back its heart. He put a few stickers on it to fool the really dumb Model 2.0.
Snow White ran all through the night, never stopping until she came across a little house.
Caring nothing for laws, breaking and entering lawsuits, or ADT, she walked right in.
Inside, she found a perfect house, all in miniature. It had seven little beds, seven little place settings and seven chairs along a table, and seven mysterious boxes labeled “GAI SEX TOIS” in glitter-pen writing.
Snow White, taking a page from her Cousin Goldie’s book, decided that the owners of the house surely would not mind if she waited there for a while.
She also decided they would not mind if she took a bit of their food (she proceeded to eat everything in sight, then raid the fridge).
She also also decided that they wouldn’t mind if she took a little nap. She passed out across all of the seven beds.
It was not long before the owners came home to discover the little criminal.
The owners of the house were seven very short men. They were named
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
And Fred.
“Someone has entered out home!” said Monday.
“Someone has eaten our food!” said Thursday.
“Someone is sleeping in our beds!” declared Fred, “And it ain’t even the hooker we killed last night!”
This is the moment that Snow White picked to wake up and start screaming.
The vertically-challenged persons told her to shut up and explain herself before they called the cops. (Tuesday already had 9-1 dialed, and was poised to hit the other 1 if things got weird.)
So she explained about her wicked stepmother who wanted her dead, and told them how she had noplace to go now.
The dwarves all had a simultaneous good idea.
“Hey, toots,” said Saturday sneakily, “You can stay here with us if you cook and clean and wear this.”
He held up a piece of underwear that involved a lot of leather and lace and confusing straps.
Snow White, being so innocent and sweet (and also, mildly retarded, which she inherited from her mother) agreed.
So she lived with them very happily, cooking and cleaning and wearing exciting underwear. But the vertically challenged persons always warned her “Your bitch stepmom is going to figure out where you are eventually, so never ever let anyone in the house but us! …especially not cops!”
And she agreed.
But meanwhile, back in Ye Olde Detroit, 2.0 had just finished putting new batteries in her Magic Mirror TM.
“Mirror Mirror on the wall,” she asked it, smirking, “Who is the finest slice of all the bitches?”
But the mirror told her, “Bitch, your ass is tight, it’s true, but hiding with the seven shorties, Snow White is WAY sexier then you!”
2.0 felt fury rising in her as the mirror ranted on “I mean, like, girl is Beyonce fine!”
“This must be stopped,” she declared as she devised a new plot.
So 2.0 disguised herself as a peasant woman and went down to the place where Snow white was living.
“RIBBONS!” she called temptingly, “RIBBONS FOR SALE! RIBBONS, FUZZY HANDCUFFS, AND ANGEL DUST FOR SALE!”
Snow White called her over, excited to see the ribbons and wondering what “Angel Dust” was.
2.0 offered to give a free demo, and re-lace Snow White’s corset for her. Snow White, who was one of those annoying girls who always gets the demo but never buys, agreed.
But 2.0 laced it so tight that she could not breathe, and se fell down, looking quite dead!
Cackling wickedly, 2.0 left her there.
Luckily, the seven vertically challenged people came home from their jobs as chartered accountants just at that moment, pulled a Jack Sparrow, and saved Snow White (as well as got an eyeful).
They warned her never to do that again, and could not stay mad at her with her tits hanging out like that, so she promised she’d be more careful.
Back at the palace of Ye Olde Detroit, 2.0 had just discovered that “You a fine grrl, it’s true, but safe with the shorties, Snow White is STILL finer then you!”
So she invented yet another evil plot!
A week later, the queen disguised herself as a different peddler woman (she wasn’t so creative) and brought more wares by the house to sell.
“PRETTY HAIR COMBS! COMBS, VIAGRA, STRAP-ONS! SOME AND BUY!” she called. And Snow White, who had apparently forgotten all about last time, waved her over.
And, like an idiot, Snow White let her comb her hair.
Of course, the comb was poisoned, and the moment it touched her hair, she fell to the floor, as if dead!
The evil woman laughed again (she really liked her evil laugh, she’d been working on it in front of her Magic Mirror TM) and left her.
But, yet again, the vertically challenged person returned in the nick of time, and pulled the comb from her hair (and undid her top, for good measure).
Just like a space bag, she game right back to life.
Again, they warned her (not making eye contact…) and she promised to be more careful.
But the evil 2.0 went home to discover, in words too foul to print, that Snow White was STILL the finest of them all!
Livid, she decided to go one more time to stop her. She devised a poisoned mango to poison her.
It was a flop.
So he devised a poisoned pumpkin!
Another failure.
So at last the tried an apple and THIS TIME she hit it perfectly!
The apple was half red and half white (where a white apple comes from I’ve no idea, but still). The red half was poisoned, of course.
She disguised herself as ANOTHER peddler woman and brought the apple up to the house to trick Snow White again.
Clearly Snow White was fucking brain-dead, as she let the woman in right away.
“Have a bite of apple, dearie,” 2.0 offered as she reached for the poison.
Sadly, all of the apples were half-red-half-white, so she forgot which one she needed and just picked at random.
It wasn’t poisoned, but because Snow White was such an idiot, she took a bite of the normal stuff and choked, falling quite dead-ish-ly to the ground.
The evil woman laughed and ran off before the cops showed.
The seven vertically challenged persons arrived home to find her gone.
They took the combs from her hair. Nothing.
They undid her top. Nothing.
They took off all of her clothes. Nothing.
They fapped. STILL nothing!
For some reason that probably had more to do with fetisishes then reviving her, they washed her body in water and wine.
But Snow White did not awaken.
They did not want to bury her under the cold ground (also they were too lazy to dig), so they put her in a glass coffin and put her on display.
They mourned over her for a year.
But then one day, a group of people came riding (on horses) up over the hill.
It was a Prince (who’s name was Prince) and his attendants, on an Adventure of some sort.
The Prince stopped at the coffin and stared at Snow White.
Rather then asking the seven vertically challenged persons why they had a chick in a coffin and calling the cops, he took it in stride!
In fact, he started begging them to give him the girl and the coffin.
They did not agree, saying that they could never part with her.
So he offered them cold hard gold.
And they agreed!
Prince had his servants pick up the coffin (which was like a gazillion pounds and really fragile), but the oafs dropped it.
So hard to find good help these days.
But the drop knocked the bit of apple from Snow White’s windpipe (clearly the Heimlich maneuver had not occurred to the seven), and she awoke.
Prince went right over to the zombie-girl and proposed marriage.
Seeing as being dead for a year seemed to have done little to mess with her vitals, Snow White agreed!
He took her off to live with him in the palace, nobody bothered to thank the seven vertically challenged persons, and there was a big wedding.
(She was a total Bridezilla.)
But what became of Model 2.0 you might wonder?
Well the dumbass got hungry on her way home and took a bite of apple.
This one WAS poisoned, as she fell down dead.
Her body was eaten by the fuzzy and cute creatures of the forest.
Magic Mirror TM ran out of batteries and died.
And they all lived stupidly ever after!
THE END
Congrats grimn! You're in the real mode, now. I've no doubt that you'll surprise yourself on just how tough and mature you can be.